#1: hello from my apartment.
hi mom. today we're talking seasonal depression and my gyno appointment.
Hi you guys. Happy first hey howie newsletter! If you’re reading this, I just want to say thank you so much for subscribing. I really appreciate it! I’m overwhelmed by the support, and I hope you all get as much out of this as I do. Okay, let’s get to it!
It’s the weekend in New York. I’m sitting on my couch, drinking hot chocolate while I write. I spent all day walking around the city, eating, and thinking. I call this a win. Anyways, we’ve got a lot to cover this week! Here’s what’s been on my mind, in case you were wondering.
I got an IUD.
So yeah. This happened. I decided to get my hands (or rather, vagina?) on an IUD, and I’m pretty darn happy about it. I was feeling a lot of anxiety about the ~insertion~ process, though that was nothing a couple of pre-procedure Xanax and three ibuprofen couldn’t fix.
It fucking hurt. (Though not so badly I wouldn’t do it again?) The experience as a whole, however, had me wondering why they don’t give people anesthesia for this shit. If you want, I can go into a rant about how women are expected to endure pain (from their bodies, from men, for beauty) as a rite of passage. Or, if someone has a legitimate answer to my question re: sedation, please drop it in the comments.
In addition to getting some copper put up my cervix, this week was a freakin’ whirlwind. I feel like I’ve been writing non-stop, whether it be for my job, copywriting, or freelancing. Don’t get me wrong—I’m grateful to be busy right now. My mind would spiral if left to its own devices.
But honestly, I haven’t felt like myself lately. None of my usual favs like working out, reading, writing, talking to people I love, etc., seem to ~help me escape~ like they normally would. I’m sure this has to do with my seasonal (and lifelong?) depression, though I thought I’d write a bit about it anyway.
Some days it feels like the world is never going to get ‘better.’ Every day I wake up, roll out of bed, start making coffee, and then open up my laptop to write. When I was younger, I would’ve called this heaven. And most days I still do, it’s just that I feel like I’m operating all alone in my less-than-200-square-foot apartment, while the world is so chaotic, so messy right outside my window.
I’ve always been kind of a loner, but that doesn’t mean I like feeling lonely. (If that makes sense.) I miss my family. I miss my friends. I feel blue when I look at “the numbers” and see just how fucked up people's lives are.
And I’m sure the last thing you need is a reminder of the sad stuff. I’m sorry for my downer mood! This is just me shouting into the void, hoping that someone might read this and know they’re not alone in their melancholy.
Idk why, but the holidays make me sick.
You’d think that the holidays would be a reason for me to cheer up, be thankful for what I have (I am, if that isn’t clear), and focus on what I can control. For the most part, I do feel this way, though my depression is always worsened by the holiday season. There’s something about putting a label on a specific period of time, and then telling people ‘you should be happy and buy things’ that makes me want to do the complete opposite. I feel like an alien.
Instead, during this season all I want to do is go into hibernation. I want to curl up with a book and some coffee. I want to cozy up on my couch with a weighted blanket, and not speak to anyone until January 1st. These are times when I often think about my inevitable death, how capitalism ruins us, and that one day everyone I know will be dead. Uplifting stuff!
In fact, the best way I can describe it is this: Imagine every time you see a picture of Santa, a snowman, a lovely holiday lights display, etc., for whatever reason, you feel heartbroken. Combine this with the sun setting at 4:30, the weather getting cold, and ads telling me to buy buy buy, and you get my special cocktail of seasonal depression.
And yes, I’m fine. Lol. I just tend to ruminate. I’m medicated, content, and I have a lot to live for. I know that my thoughts are irrational, and that they’re largely a result of mental illness. But I want to hear from you guys. Am I alone in feeling this way? Make me feel less helpless! Be my therapist! (JK, I pay someone a lot of money to do that each week.) Tell me how you deal with the holidays, or whether they’re actually a time of snow, joy, and gratitude for you.
All that said, here are some small things that helped me cope this week:
Playing Animal Crossing.
Now you’ve reached the end of this newsletter! Thanks for hearing me out. Hopefully I put some of your feelings into words, and maybe we can both find holiday solace in this little hey howie community. I love you all!
P.S. Should I write about my interview with Jason Derulo? He was, um, interesting. Let me know.
P.S.S. I’m experimenting with the length of this newsletter. I feel like I could make these posts even longer? Again, let me know!
Other stuff I found intriguing this week.
This piece about ‘The Children of Pornhub’ published in The New York Times. Shoutout to my dear friend Alex for sending it to me.
I wrote about ‘slugging’ for Women’s Health, the skincare technique that’s all over Reddit and TikTok.
I binged all of Schitt’s Creek. Wish I watched it sooner. It made me feel better :)
Found out DJ Khaled has a pod. Not okay with it.
The man is talented, but he said he doesn’t eat pussy. I can’t get behind him.
Bought a couple cool things from Yew Yew.
Loved this podcast by The Cut: ‘Would You Move Back Home? Could You?’
I think about this a lot, and the episode really put some things into perspective. (Including how the U.S. desire to ‘set out on your own’ at 18 is actually kind of racist.)
I’m currently reading ‘All Adults Here’ by Emma Straub. It’s nice!